mother and child

Dear Mom

We did not know each other

Early this morning I followed through on a shared post

I felt you in my heart since the first moment I learned of you

This news report was brief, unemotional

Yet I recognized you and your child

I know you intimately

http://www.abc15.com/news/region-southeast-valley/mesa/police-investigating-possible-murder-suicide-at-banner-desert-childrens-hospital

In the early morning hours you chose to take your son and leave this earth

Many will now judge you – it is not their place as they cannot understand the lives of Tami and Helious

As they did in life – they will do in death

They reported you to children’s protective services

Perhaps someone thought it would actually bring you help

Perhaps someone thought raising a complex and fragile child could be done better

I have faced this too

Those who see us can only think they know your challenges

I have seen friends turn away

faces of pity, expressions of judgement, relief that it was not they to suffer this fate

“God only gives you what you can handle”

“I don’t know how you do it”

“God bless you”

Only rarely actually speaking to my son

I have heard it all – it brings no relief – holds no truth

I know the strength and courage with which you protected your child for nearly six years

As you gave birth to your child hope turned to despair

You loved him fully

As you grieved for the life your child could not have

Your community faded away

As your friends announced their children’s milestones – you visited another specialist

As you saw other parents take their child for granted – you cherished every touch

As your child needed you more each day – the demands of the world outside became impossible to meet

Your health, your home, your society, your career, your funds collapsing

You dedicated each day to the needs and future of your child

You could do this

Each night your son cried out in misery

You comforted him each and every time seeking to relieve his pain

Rarely finding rest

The deepest darkness surrounding as if only you and he existed

Each morning you wondered how you had risen again

There was a little light – you sensed it more than you could see it

You believed that life would one day be easier for you and for him

It was far in the future

It seemed it was too far for your very tired feet to carry your sweet burden

I have walked that path

I considered the option you took – no one wants to know this – more times than I remember

I was fortunate to have someone to walk it with me

Someone who truly understood the grief and fear

Someone who did not offer impractical advice before turning away

And there was another – a second child who would have a future

I could not take him – and I could not leave him

Perhaps that was the difference that allows that light to come through just a little stronger

Surviving the darkest of nights and the strongest of the wails

You asked only to hear the tiniest “mama”

For his gaze to meet yours

For his arms to reach round yours in embrace

For his pain to subside

For him to find joy in life’s smallest pleasures – a toy, food, a shared laugh, a soft kiss

You became so very tired

You did cry out and ask for help

You were right to do it

you shared your plight –“You Caring” – yet you could not be heard above the other noise

Your request was meager – barely enough to put you in a functioning vehicle

5 dollars you raised – not enough for gasoline to take you down the road

5 precious dollars – did you put it there yourself? or was there truly a kind stranger

All this as another special needs family became a national focus

A beaming face in a Pope’s embrace

Brought $60,000 and counting to a deserving special needs family

Are all special needs families not deserving?

Why not yours?

I felt the detachment of the professionals in the hospital as they passed your son’s room

The grayness of the walls around you and echoes of laughter through the hospital corridors

I heard the doctors remind you that you are the “mom” and you could figure this out

I felt them shut down as you tried to explain your own experience

Did you still have family who should be by your side?

Were they watching without understanding? Offering unhelpful councel and focused on themselves?

Where was your Community?

Where were the old school friends? The neighbors you had leant a hand?

Where were the cousins behind the holiday cards?

Where were the volunteers with a ready smile?

Where were the Services?

Where were the Social Workers?

Had I known you could I have made a difference? Unlikely, as it is all I have to face the light myself

As the darkness moved in again you could carry on no longer

You could not one more step toward that distant light

You could not allow your child’s suffering to continue

I understand

You see – I know this world – this incredible gift of life and beauty

Turned on us to become Our own personal Hell

Tami and Helious – I will carry you in my heart as my family and I step closer toward that light

I have been too close to sharing your fate

My prayers have become muted over the years

Is God listening?

Allowing the meek to inherit the Earth?

No

He left us each to navigate different paths – some paths are simply too long and treacherous to survive

But I do still pray

And this prayer is for mother and son who ended their earthly journey in a lonely hospital room

You feel God’s soft warmth and finally finding the light

I pray that your child is gazing up into your eyes now

With Acceptance and Love

He touches your arm and finds your hand to grasp in his

“I love you mama”

FWF Weller 8-9-15 (49)

bday celebration

 

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One Response to mother and child

  1. Lux says:

    Aw. So touching. Amazing how God’s love has been made palpable by mothers.

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